Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Barsexuality is the new black.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
