I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
