I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
