I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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