I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
