I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
