I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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