i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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