I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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