You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
