And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
