Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
