apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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