During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
