Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
