You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
