someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize