I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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