Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
