All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
