I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize