I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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