tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
