No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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