I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
