I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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