I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
