seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
