Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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