i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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