im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
