wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
