So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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