My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
