So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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