Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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