I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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