We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
