So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
