Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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