When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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