a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize