Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
