I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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