I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
