I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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