Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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