I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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