Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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