Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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