I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
