he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You are a genius and a whore.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
