we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have aggressive nipples.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize