he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
