We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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