I am midnight drunk by noon
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
