I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
