Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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